Rip Van Winkle: Ze following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, und licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und ze Funimation. Please support ze official release.
[In the background The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go plays. Scene changes to a London corner pub]
British Dude: Oh, come on, love. Show us ye tits.
[The woman slaps him in the face]
British Dude: Oh, she declined. Now, let's get pissed.
British Dude 2: Hey mate. What's the last thing ye ever thought ye'd ever see in the night sky?
British Dude: Oh uh, that's a deep question, man, I--
British Dude 2: Oh, no, cause it's blimps.
[The camera pans up to the Nazi zeppelins flying over London, playing Herms Niel's Das Engellandlied over loudspeakers]
The Major: Gentlemen... Ve have made it! [Platoon of Nazis on the zeppelin applause loudly]ALright. Achtung! Achtung!
Hans: Whoo whoo!
The Major: Hans! Hans! Bring it down a notch.
Hans: [With quiet voice] Whoooh...
The Major: Now. Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot. Please lead us off.
[In the background, Das Engellandlied written by Hermann Lons starts playing]
The Doktor: Of course. Everyone, thank you for coming to the mandatory pre-var seminar. Please open your "World War III" pamphlets to page three, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicolas Cage.
The Major: Ve have an exciting itinerary of the evening's events. Tonight... ve annihilate London!
Random Nazi: Umm,ALl of London?
The Major:ALl of London. Buckingham Palace - laid to vaste. Big Ben - toppled to zhe ground.
Random Nazi: Zhe house of parliament?
The Major: Eradicated.
Random Nazi 2: Zhe Tower of London?
The Major: Obliterated!
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.
Hans: What about London Bridge?
The Major: Ja, ja. London Bridge is falling down. VeALl know zhe song. Look, you be zhe first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it; I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, zhe accompaniment tonight has been selected via survey. Und I hope you're as excited as I am! Zhe song tonight is zhe most appropriate for ironic reasons; Zhe best reasons! But first - a toast. To zhe answer of an age-old question!
[Scene switches to a missile hitting Big Ben and beginning of an assault on London. In the background Edwin Starr's War plays]
The Doktor: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?
The Major: Yes. "Because it means the destruction of innocent lives." [Major uses lyrics from the song playing in the background] "Induction then destruction! Who wants to die!?"
[Music fading. Camera shows the high ground view at the London streets ablaze in shape of a swastika, then switches to the building of Round Table Conference]
Sir Penwood: What do you mean he's stuck on the boat?
SIH: I mean he's stuck on a bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.
Sir Penwood: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?
SIH: What? N-no, he can't fly with his vampire powers!
Sir Penwood: Then how did he get there?!
SIH: On a Blackbird we appropriated!
Sir Penwood: You stole the Blackbird?!
SIH: WOULD YOU JUST SEND A HELICOPTER?!
Sir Penwood: We can't; our communications are down.
SIH: What?
Sir Penwood: They... have been for the last two hours.
SIH: So you're telling me that, as of this moment, we have no access to AL, communications with our forces in the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be knocking at our door?
[The doors to the chamber and smashed open and a group of men storm the room]
Reggie: Or, perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!
SIH: Oh, Reggie. This is adorable.
Reggie: SIR... Reginald is my name! I have spent the last five years of my life cleaning up after your pet vampire! And now, is the time Sir Reginald was payed what he deserves!
SIH: [Chuckles] You know, I get it now.
Reggie: Get what?
SIH: [laughs] How AL feels! Just a little bit anyway.
Reggie: [Grunts]
SIH: But I must say Sir Reginald it is quite impressive that, despite how hilariously amateur this little coup of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.
[Reggie's arm comes off]
Reggie: RRRRRaaaaaaaaghhh!
Walter: Who wants Daddy's belt?
[Reggie's henchmen start shouting and shooting desperately, then get cut apart and fall down in fountains of blood. One blob lands upon Penwood's cheek]
Sir Penwood: Ung?
Walter: Now think about what you've done.
[Everyone muttering]
SIH: So, Sir Penwood - are youALl right?
Sir Penwood: Well, Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... currently... processing that.
[Some silence, the machinery starts bleeping, sweeping and creeping]
Radio-telegraphist: Communications are back up-- everything is on fire!
Another Radio-telegraphist: London Bridge is falling down!
Sir Penwood: Falling down?
Another Radio-telegraphist: Falling down!
Sir Penwood: London Bridge is falling down! My fair lady, what should we do?
SIH: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Penwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you - carpool.
Sir Penwood: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position - it's not suited for a meek gentleman like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tucked my tail in-between my legs at the first sight of peril! I thank you for your service, miss Integra, but I--
SIH: [Hands Penwood a gun] Here's a gun. There are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself.
[Integra and Walter walk off]
SIH: Walter.
Walter: Yes, SIH?
SIH: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.
[Bird's eye view of burning London, shots fired, bombs exploding]
Ze Major: Ah yes! Buckingham Palace is burning... und so are my loins!
Zorin: Ahem!
Ze Major: Ah First Lieutenant former Olympic bodybuilder Zorin Blitz. Sorry, I vas understandably caught up in ze moment.
Zorin: You finally have orders for me Major?
Ze Major: Ah indeed, my dear Zorin. You have a very specific target.
Zorin: Where shall my scythe be pointed?
Ze Major: Ze Hellsing Organisation Headquarters.
Zorin: Yes!
Ze Major: Und you...
Zorin: Yes!
Ze Major: ...shall provide reconnaissance
[Zorin drops a cigarette whilst her lips open in an expression of incredulity and dismay]
Zorin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ze Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin, I need you to bring it back for me, take a deep breath.
Zorin: [Hyperventilates]
Ze Major: Contain... Ze calamity... That is your mammaries.
Zorin: [Grunts furiously]
Ze Major: There is no-vone more eager to see them bleed than I, but ve must be careful. SIH Fairbrook Vingates Hellsing - any voman who commands the respect of a beast such as AL is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay - most certainly. But not trifled with.
Zorin: But she is just vone voman!
Ze Major: Und a girl. A PG. Ze only living vampire sired by AL himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature, ze big titties? Maybe, who knows. But I do not gamble vis maybes. You vill act as ze vanguard and survey their forces, are ve clear?
Zorin: [unenthusiastically] Transparently.
Ze Major: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich- [over the radio] Sergeant Klaus - have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
Klaus: Ja Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
Ze Major: Is it on fire?
Klaus: It could be more on fire.
[Walter and SIH drive down a street. Integra surveys the butchered corpses outside]
SIH: Ugh... UGH!
Sir Penwood (over radio): Attention... anyone listening... I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly. [Walter adjusts the radio's tuning until Sir Penwood comes across clearer] It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Penwood, Vice-Admiral of the British Security Council.
[Sir Penwood sits in the blood-soaked remains of the Security Council room, speaking into the radio's microphone]
Sir Penwood: I know things seem bleak to those who are stillALive, but stay on. We are still fighting; each and everyone one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old barbarism!
[Council Room door gets blasted open, and Millennium soldiers storm in]
Lt. Schäfer: [laughs] How valiant of you Sir Penwood, defending your post down to ze last man.
Sir Penwood: Ah, but that's where I must rebuke you, because where you see one man, I see four...
Lt. Schäfer: "See four?" Ack! [looks around and sees dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room] Ahhhhhhh...
Sir Penwood: When you get to hell, tell em' Penwood sent you, and then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience. [Blows up the C4]
[Radio gets cut off, SIH sits silently in the back]
SIH: Walter?
Walter: Yes Ma'am?
SIH: Sir Penwood was a... [gets cut off by a collision with a ghoul] SON OF A BITCH!
Walter: SIH, we have a problem.
SIH: Oh my God, the road is on fire.
Walter: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.
[The Captain appears]
Walter: If you will excuse me, I have to m
[Сэр Пенвуд сидит в пропитанных кровь останках зала Совета Безопасности, выступая в микрофон радио]
Сэр Пенвуд: Я знаю, что вещи кажутся безрадостными для тех, кто натюрье, но оставайтесь Мы все еще боремся; каждый из нас. Мы будем защищать королеву и страну от этого десятилетнего варварства!
[Дверь комнаты совета открывается, а солдаты тысячелетия штурмуют]
Лейтенант Шефер: [Смеется] Как доблестно сэр Пенвуд, защищая свой пост до последнего человека.
Сэр Пенвуд: Ах, но вот где я должен вас упрекнуть, потому что, где вы видите одного человека, я вижу четыре ...
Лейтенант Шефер: "Смотри четыре?" Ак! [Оглядывается вокруг и видит десятки взрывчатых веществ C4, посаженных вокруг комнаты] Аххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххххх
Сэр Пенвуд: Когда вы попадаете в ад, скажите им, что вы отправили вам, а затем извинитесь от моего имени за неудобства. [Взвет C4]
[Радио отрезается, SIH тихо сидит сзади]
SIH: Уолтер?
Уолтер: Да, мэм?
SIH: Сэр Пенвуд был ... [отрезается столкновением с упылом] Сын суки!
Уолтер: SIH, у нас есть проблема.
SIH: Боже мой, дорога горит.
Уолтер: К сожалению, это не самое худшее из этого.
[Капитан появляется]
Уолтер: Если ты будешь извинить, я должен М
